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The New Year always makes me melancholy, more or less. While everyone else says “hello” to the next 12 months, I usually spend this time of year reflecting on the past 12 months. I can’t predict what tomorrow will bring, but I know what yesterday wrought. New Year’s is a time of accounting for one’s actions instead of making odds and betting on what might be. While everyone is gorging on the cake of future opportunity, I’m picking over the leftovers of my decisions. Because, like history, stupidity repeats itself. My funky mood is practical, too. Fate is a sniper, and those people who whoop and holler at the strike of midnight make easy targets. I keep my head down.
I never make New Year’s resolutions, either. New Year’s resolutions are like the promises a drunk makes to himself the morning after a bender. Why set yourself up for disappointment? Instead, I reflect on the past year and try to come up with lessons that will help me the following year. 2010 has been a banner year of personal lessons for me, through both direct and indirect experiences. I’ve learned so much that I feel like an alien mutant with a gigantic, throbbing forehead pulsing with radioactive webs of veins. So here it is, random snippets I'm about to share, because they really mean that much:
The heart is a lonely hunter and haunted house. Love is the bait and the hook. In a way, everyone is an orphan Lego searching for the right brick to click to.
Sometimes distance does not make beauty, rather it produces secret hideaways and white lies waiting to be bursted like little balloons.
Never expect anyone, especially your loved ones, to truly understand your fears and moods. Only so much can be connected at the same level, so share at your own expense. When there does appear a moment of kind compassion, put that person on your vip list forever because such things cannot happen often.
One does not have to judge a relationship solely based on its name, nature, or (coming) demise. All late-stay-up-nights, whispers, laughter, yelling, tears, and heartbreaks were not dealt without consideration. Each side is a successful trader in his/her own way, so don't act like you let somebody walk over your x days/months/years of life and wasted it. Acknowledge that your were once happy and is now wiser and then move on.
Life can be complicated and erratic, but only to the extent that you allow it to be. Taking responsibilities for your actions suck, but it's better than mental prescription-strength sleeping pills or regretting what might have been.
This past year, I also learned that, even if you (think you) know the ending page by heart before you even opened that book, miracles do happen.
-hush
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again, on one of those common nights, when things that had become so habitual suddenly turn perplexing and you wonder if you were ever there, living the life your clay mask had been faithfully acting out for you. at one time or another you think fuck you . fuck you and your patience and time and tide and weight of empty promises and prolonged wait. now in your mind linger the boxes of memories of you and perhaps someone else, god the boxes, let's not talk about the boxes. you tell yourself this will be an adventure. it'll be fun! this'll be exciting! your life is an adventure and the world will watch with baited breath to see what happens to silly ol' you! but mostly you just want to fall into a perpetual sleep and wake up one day when the nonsense is over. because you looked into a giant handpainted cabinet mirror made sometime in the eighteenth century today at the museum with your friends and you think to yourself, who the bleep is that with old gray eyes like a pigeon on an overcast Sunday morning? when did they take light away from her eyes without even letting her know? don't they know it's illegal? don't they know they've sinned?
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所谓刺激，就是同样是童年，有些小姑娘可以由爸爸带着办很贵的会员卡买好全套装束去骑马，而另一些小姑娘就躲着爸爸跑到楼下院子想喝三毛一瓶的北冰洋汽水，但是没有三毛钱所以看着其他小朋友喝完汽水骗自己说自己也喝到了。
所谓刺激，就是同样是时间，一些人可以正大光明吆喝某些人，而另一些人就懂事地体谅忍耐并等待。
所谓刺激，就是同样是未来，一些幸运儿可以确定肯定并一定一心走到底，而另一些命运正常的人就举棋不定并每天提醒自己随时做好放弃或被放弃的准备。
从小被说聪明成熟，其实我哪是悟性高，只是受刺激比别人早。
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每天只准诉苦十分钟。不能沉湎在自怜自怨的海洋里当作一种享受。时间到，洗脸梳头搭衣服。快。
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[本日志已设置加密]
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在办公室和associate拼接文件，走到走廊另一头的打印机复印，一路上居然是黑的，伸手不见五指。
也就是说，IPO的人全走光了....
传说中这样的日子已经持续一段时间了。随之感叹，怎么被叫到哪边哪边就开始忙呢，看来自己是属蜜蜂的，擅长嗡嗡。不管怎样，可以离开IPO一段时间也不错，体验一下所谓人人想要的M&A到底是什么东西--至少迄今为止我还没发现和IPO的区别，除了什么都看不懂。。。
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这一阵集中重听《生如夏花》，才发现7年前就一直存在却未曾聆听的这首。
昨晚一整晚都在脑海里放这首歌。一整晚。白天在地铁上继续循环播放。
